Fuck 2016 seems to be the trend on the social media these days. For most, it started with the primaries, when the worst candidate of each party won the nominations to the election, when the worst nominee won to become the next President of the United States. For others, it began with numerous instances of violence directed towards sexual and racial minorities. Then there’s Standing Rock. Our government doing nothing to protect those in need and in doing nothing endorsing something that brings more harm than good. And think of all the talented artists we’ve lost this year. Together, many of us are happy to say SO LONG 2016! For me, those certainly brought me down. The election more than anything. The President Elect’s behavior has made me fearful of our country’s future. But more than anything, 2016 officially became the year my life experienced the biggest single change ever.
I started 2016 with the same things on my mind as I ended 2015. Mentally, I was feeling better. I was taking a new prescription. I was seeing 2 therapists. I stopped obsessing over an aspect of my life that could never be, accepting it for what it was and not letting my disappointment and curiosity bring me down. My focus was on me and what makes me happy and what wasn’t. I knew a big change had to be made. One that ultimately would lead me to a happier future but I also knew would bring about a sad time.
It’s hard to reconcile that in order to be happy, you first have to create a sad situation. It was hard to feel excited or even happy about things when you know you’ve hurt someone else in the process. The day I confirmed that rather than finding a short term rental I was going to buy a condo, I was asked to move out of the home I helped build. The home I loved the very first time I toured the model for. The day I closed on the purchase of my own home, I was also served with divorce papers. Every “exciting” moment I experienced was met with a sad moment. A closed door. An end of a chapter. It was hard to be excited about moving into a new home that was all mine, where I could focus on myself, and begin a new life, when I knew I was leaving my dream home, my best friend, my neighbors who had become my good friends, my dogs, my seemingly perfect life. I tried to remind myself that I was moving to a small, blank canvas that I could make my own and forget that I was leaving the beautiful, upper middle class utopia and moving in to “the hood.” I reminded myself that while I was no longer going to have neighbors that I could call up and grab lunch or a take a trip to Postino without notice, or someone to watch my Thursday night shows with each week, I wasn’t out here alone. I had someone who also had become a good friend nearby to help me and be here for me when I need someone. It wasn’t the same and didn’t quite combat the loneliness as much as I’d hoped, but he was still good to have nearby. Social anxiety and depression is a funny combination. I crave attention but want to be alone. The happy medium exists only in my head and when it doesn’t meet the expectation I’ve created, it brings me down. I got what I wanted, to be alone and not have to answer to anyone or worry about anyone, but I missed just sitting around watching tv with someone, to turn and talk to. To talk to someone who already knows backstory or who would find entertainment out of a story I had. I eventually adjusted. From time to time I feel so good that I consider stopping my therapist appointments. I experiment with stopping my meds. For the most part, I think these are things that are possible in 2017.
I do miss my “old” world. I miss my home. I had the opportunity to spend some time there alone and say goodbye to it. I miss the lifestyle. I was grateful to have the opportunity to participate in a neighborhood event in Agritopia still. I’d only been gone a few months but a part of me didn’t feel like I belonged there. Following the neighborhood and old neighbors on social media made me realize all the things I miss out on and that life there goes on without me. Of all of it, I miss my closest friend. The person who knew me better than almost any other person in the world. The person who, even though I was not meant to spend my life with in a romantic or marital sense, I always pictured having around. I think about him every day and everyday my wish for him is that he is doing better than the day before. That one day he will forgive me for what I’ve done to his life. That one day he will understand why I had to do what I did. That one day he will see us the way I see us and will be open to a friendship. I hope one day he understands that my decision was not about him, but about us. I hope that, if that doesn’t happen, I can continue to remember why I did what I did, and not live my life to please others. I saw a couple on TV recently who had just signed their divorce papers together, and who clearly want to be friends with one another post divorce. Upon signing, they hugged. It was a life changing and painful step, but they both understood it was for the best. I was jealous. That was the outcome of my dreams even though I knew would not be our outcome.
My “new” world was recently met with another big change. Sandy snapped and attacked Doc again. He’s ok, just a couple wounds on his back legs. It was bad enough though that she too was asked to move out of the only home she’s known and moved in with me permanently. It’s been nice to have “someone” to watch tv with and as lame as it sounds, to talk to. But I did enjoy the freedom of being able to go out whenever I wanted to. To take a trip without worrying about anything really. To go on a date or have someone over. Anyone who’s met Sandy knows she’s a handful. You’d never believe she is 10 years old. She’s 5 years younger than Doc and when we got her, anticipated they would both pass on around this time. Who’d have guessed after multiple attacks and some pretty bad arthritis and a lifetime of bronchial issues, Doc would still be alive and kicking. Who’d have guessed that a dog made up of dogs that live 8-12 years on average would still be a hyper, attention crazed, nutcase like Sandy is today! She’s definitely put a halt on after work get togethers, board and bottle nights, and dates. It’s a double edged sword because as much as I miss that bit of freedom, I love having this crazy bitch here with me.
I try not to feel bad for being proud of myself for what I have accomplished in 2016. I never imagined buying home, even though it’s a small condo in a not so great part of town, of my own. I’ve learned so much and have gained so much confidence. I always felt as though I needed someone to “take care of me” and while certainly I’ve needed tons of help, I’ve learned that I can do things on my own. Not only did I qualify for a mortgage on my own, but I’ve done home improvement projects on my own. I tried joining the dating world. I learned that I still lack confidence in that aspect of my life. I was quickly reminded that the last time I dated I was 12 years younger and nearly 50lbs lighter. I learned that being a serial dater is not for me. That I like actually getting to know someone and having that person be a part of my life. I’ve learned I still have issues completely opening up. Expressing what I want, like, or need. But at least I’m aware of my issues. I’ve been happy. I’ve met new people to begin new friendships. I’ve tried being more social. Even when I worry about the pain I’ve caused. I don’t obsess over things anymore. I don’t wonder “what if?” While I experience days of sadness and miss him, I don’t have days of regret. Having that feeling, knowing that it’s ok to feel sad about the events of 2016 but feeling like the world I’m living in is right, is what helps me go on. It’s what makes me optimistic for 2017. I can’t join the masses and say “FUCK YOU 2016! It was a learning experience. I’m ready to say “SO LONG 2016!” and “WELCOME 2017!”
Like I mentioned before, in 2017 I hope to continue to build on my natural sense of joy and happiness without the aid of medications and therapists. I’m excited to see what the year has in store. I don’t have any life changing plans for the year. I plan to enjoy experiencing life with just me and my dog. I plan to continue developing new friendships and relationships. I plan to continue making my house my home with touches that I design or choose. I plan to accept how others choose to live, to accept how others see me and either accept, change, or move away from relationships with people in life. I plan to continue learning about myself and what makes me happy. I plan to worry less about things I have no control of and make changes where I can. To not only be a better person for myself but for the people in my life, the people in my work, and the people in my community. I’ll wait until it’s officially 2017 to get into resolutions and stuff. Until then my friends and family, I hope each and every one of you can look back on the past year and see beyond the shit and find the good things. It’s the good things that keep us going and that we can build upon next year. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. And I hope to share my home with each of you… so please don’t be strangers and stop by for a drink or dinner or an episode of Scandal!
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